Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Beware of the dog..
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest