“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
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ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.