-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
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I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.