Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Thoughts
girls literally only want one thing..
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.