Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere