me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
*offers Batman cough drops*
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.