“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️