First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine