me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet