Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not