Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
oh good, now I can stop drinking
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
mood
*aggressively waits in line*
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast