WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
BETRAYAL
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.