DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Oh, I bet you would be
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…