fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons