“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
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Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
fired
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.