I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
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Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
The Weeknd is back
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!