Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.