me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*