Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?