Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
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Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING