cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?