Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.