I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Called it
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?