defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
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When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears