[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant