[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
That’s no pocket rocket.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me when my alarm goes off
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.