Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
You Might Also Like
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
cry laughing at this shit
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds