Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
He-man has a Masters degree
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
S O O N
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!