Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.