“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.