Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
gm
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it