[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
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Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Siri: Retweet me.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Alexa, make out with the Roomba