Squeak, squeak, squeak!
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[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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