“i miss shittin on people”
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin