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It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.