Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
what it’s like dating me:
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have