Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
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“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
won’t smith
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)