Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…