KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.