Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Start the year as you intend to continue.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”