You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”