My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.