They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.