[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
What’s so funny?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”