“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him