As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁