That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
This meal prepping shit is easy
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.