my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
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i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON