“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Cause of death: Zumba
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.