Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
hmmm
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I need to update my racial profile.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses